Thursday, May 13, 2010

Having a rough day and needing to vent

I'm sorry, but I'm having a really rough day(or 2 weeks) and need to let it out. It's easier for me to just type all this, then writing it down on paper. If you want to skip reading this post I don't blame you, it's fine. I don't know how lengthy it will be.
Last week was fast and busy and stressful. We were crazy busy at work, which wasn't completely a bad thing, but still enough that I need a rest, but never really got it. I forgot things that I needed to do, or just didn't do somethings or mixed things up completely. I had to watch my nephews(again not a bad thing), but it got stressful as well and I needed a break. I know life is stressful and trials only make us stronger, and it's suppose to be hard. I'm just struggeling with it right now. My break never really came. Mother's Day was a little relaxing, but still Chase was a pill and gave me a rough time.
I had to watch my nephews again this week. One of them would not stop crying. The only way he was happy is if you were holding him. I don't even hold my own baby all day. They need to learn self-soothing. I had just signed up to be an Avon Representative and was trying to get signed into the website and start the training. But it was hard to concentrate when he was screaming. Mark was into his book and he wanted to do that, so we took turns dealing with him.
Yesterday I had work and got to relax a little, but as soon as I got home, it was busy busy. I came home at dinner while trying to feed Emmett then went to our ward Activity Days(I'm the Faith in God Coordinator). It was fun, I enjoyed spending time with the girls and helping them with the craft. When I got home from that, Mark had invited a friend over to watch Ultimate Fighter(not something I enjoy, but he does and I'm not going to say he can't). So I tried to do some the training with Avon while they did that. I did get to relax some more after 9 and just read my book for half an hour. As I type this I am seeing Blessings mixed in, with the madness. I know they are there. We just need to take the time and "blogging therapy" to see them sometimes.
Today has been hecktic. The morning started ok. The boys didn't sleep as late as I wanted, but it's all good. I got the kitchen cleaned and dishes started. I was able to complete the second training course for Avon. Chase started being a pill. Kiera helped out a bit after she got up and ready. She vaccumed for me and helped with the boys. Emmett wasn't eating as well as he should. He wouldn't latch on right and just kept swinging his arm all over so I had a tough time staying covered. I wanted to keep working on my Avon stuff while I nursed, but as I said, he was being difficult and I couldn't use my free hand to work the mouse, I had to use it to hold his hand down. I tried to relax and read a little while Emmett napped and Chase watched a movie. Chase was a pill at first and just added on the stress, but when he fell asleep it was better. I got to a stopping point and then tried Avon again. I got almost all the way through the 3rd training, almost to the assesment and Emmett woke up crying. I tried everything to calm him. Nothing really worked. So I had to exit out of the training(right before the assesment) to take care of him. As he is screaming my supervisor calls to check up on me and see if I had any questions about Avon etc.
I'm feeling better now after getting some of this out. I had been feeling that every path I was trying to take, it was the wrong one and something would stop me. I can't figure out why that path is wrong and why I'm not allowed to go on it. I was feeling like a horrible mother who can't get the things she wants to for her family and can't take care of them right. I lost my patience. I have so many things I want to get done. Mark was telling me I was taking on to much at once and needed to do one at a time. I tried that today, but trying to focus on Avon. But wasn't able to get very far. Yes I did get some done and accomplished somethings. But I feel like a faliure and someone who doesn't have priorities set right. I tell Mark the things I want to get done, but I don't get much help. I'm not saying he is a horrible husband and doesn't help me, he does! He is an amazing husband and helps other ways. These projects are just something I want to do by myself. Maybe that is my problem, I don't know. I guess I just have a lot on my plate right now and don't know where to start. How do I find the balance? How do I fit it all in with the limited time we have? I can't do it all at once, I felt I couldn't do any of it today. So much to do, and not enough time to get it all done in the time I want it done. I hate these kinds of days, where everything just doesn't go how you want. I'm trying to remember the thing I learned from M2B:) "Blessed Not Stressed". I'm able to see a little more blessing then stresses now that I've calmed and let it out. If you've stuck around to read this, thanks for the ear...or eyes rather!


Ashley Barnum said...

As I read your post it seemed so familiar. I think we all have these times, especially as wives and mothers. I finally got to the point where I had to tell Nate that I needed an evening, or afternoon, or sometimes an entire day to myself. So he'd watch the kids while I did something for me, something that I wanted to do. I always come back 100% better and feeling like I can handle things. Maybe you could talk to Mark about giving you the time to do your AVON training without interruption by taking care of the boys, even if it means missing his fighting show. I'm sure that he'll get on board if he knows that it's important to you and a way for him to show you some love and appreciation.
You're a great mom and a great person. Just keep on moving forward and know that you will be blessed for the sacrifices you make and the service you give.

Deborah said...

Thanks Ashley! I've thought about doing that for a long time, just haven't spoken up about it. Maybe it's time I do. When he gets home, I just want to spend that time with him and the boys.